To Gain Jesus

There is so much to learn in this church camp. The impact of it was it had changed my responses, attitudes and perceptions within me and the Holy Spirit is still at work. When there is a change in our mindsets, there will be a change in our behaviour. This is called breakthrough.

The first night brought a heart reality check. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21). Suddenly, it make more than sense in this verse and cuts through my heart. The yearning spirit and desire within Paul to be able to proclaim this verse. This is not just something we saw as a hanging banner in funerals with this written verse. It carries much more depth and a cry from within.

Whatever that robs away my devotion from God is an idol in my heart. This is the first silent voice of God. It has nothing to do with whether it is the right or wrong things in our lives. Reducing down to anything and anyone that steals that God-devotion away from me. Even the very things that God had blessed us with could be a stealer. I remembered as I sat down and to have our nightly evaluation with the pastors and this is what Senior Pastor mention, "If God had given is lots of blessings and we still do not yearn for Him, we kind of been cheating God." Woe to that lack of hunger for the Giver and desiring only the gifts.

'MY IMPORTANCE' is a subtle yet obvious idol in my heart. Basically, I am a pride person and I have no qualms to credit myself for anything. Subtly, I could even take credit for every brokenness that I had gone through, pampering and flattering my ego and worth. That spells danger. No one could take the credit away from God and what He had done. The flesh is a frightening and yet 'loving' thing. I have not hated my flesh enough to allow the yearning for God to go deep. In the past, I tend to protect my privacy so much that it had become a non-negotiable in my life. Matthew and Cleff are so 'used' to it that it does not even hit my conscious. Not until the Lord convicted me of my own selfishness three years back. I began to remove my 'non-negotiable' and allow people to invade that privacy. However in this camp, the Lord once again spoke. Though I had removed the boundaries, I had not increased my personal time with Him. It remains the same portion and time that I gave to Him.

'MY MARRIAGE' is a God-given gift. In my journey of this covenanted relationship, God has been refining, building and restoring us into useful earthen vessels. An alert alarm went up in the camp as the Word reminded me the possibilities of placing my marriage above Him. The gifts could become the stealer. That night, I surrendered 'My Importance' and 'My Marriage' at the altar once again for a divine exchange of a deeper yearning and longing for the King.

After the 3rd night, I told God and myself, "I want to be the 5 talents guy." The one that does not waste any God-given opportunities to glorify Him, even it means I can end up to be a 'Moses that does not enter the Promise Land." Practically, it spoke to me in two areas. I always dislike being an announcer. Sometimes, I think this is tougher than to teach the Word of God. Of course, I am sure that I can still do a good job with this functional role. But it would also mean like what I had started earlier in this blog, "A change of behaviour without a change of heart and mindset is zero." Allowing God to do a surgery work in that portion was immediately tested. I was asked to be the Sunday announcer due to unseen circumstances that none can be doing that Sunday. I confessed at that moment, a roar of discontented arose but was checked immediately. Cheerfully I served.

The Lord also spoke to me about my flesh preference of my trip to KK, Sabah. Though the trip was confirmed, there was no on intention to be there for a week. Four days will be sufficient. I just wanted to be at home. It is about all about me and my preference. The purpose call to made the trip was clear and loud. His Spirit or my flesh. I decide. I gave the Lord the liberty to cut away my flesh that night.

The Kingdom of God rules and reigns in my heart. The final afternoon was a transaction between me and My Servant King. Going out at all costs to have the Kingdom of God in our hearts. Senior Pastor lead us in a time of reading the Declaration together in one accord. And he got us to read first, meaning every word that was said. Then he lead us to read the declaration with guts and courage. At that moment, I felt that the Holy Spirit whispered this into my ears, 'Surrendering can be sweet." How true! I used to think that brokenness and contriteness is something painful and tearful, not sweet and cheerful. How wrong was I!

That afternoon, I declared the declaration with a new spirit and a new heart.

My take home? Reduced to one single thing: 'Whatever situations and people God brought into my life, they are opportunities that lead me to hunger more for Him - to gain Jesus."

I love this quote from Ps Lawrence in 'The Practice of the Presence':
"I have at times such delicious thoughts on the Lord, I am ashamed to mention them."